Clutch, Delight, Happy
Today is “letting go” day.
As I turn on my laptop, the extra monitor I use comes up first, and there is his picture on the screen, smiling that wonderful smile at me, and I feel pain clutch my heart. I don’t want to do this, I really don’t. But if I don’t do it now, I never will. I’ll go on imagining that I have a future with him and my present will float by me, pointless and unregretted until it’s too late to get it back. So I right click on the screen and change the image. Then I delete it from my hard drive. So there’s that.
Online, I unfriend him, unfollow him … all the things we do these days to the people in our lives when we don’t want them there any more.
It didn’t start out this way, but then, it never does, does it? It was a delight to wake up in the morning and think of him, to check online and see there was a message or a ‘like’ of something we both enjoyed. Then I made mistakes, and he made mistakes and what was shiny and new got tarnished in a hurry. The day came when I badly embarrassed him, not meaning to, and since then we’d hardly been in contact at all. In fact, if we wound up in the same place recently, one of us usually left. Him, because he really didn’t want anything to do with me and me, because I hated how uncomfortable he was when I was there.
My friends told me he’d get over it, but he didn’t. So today is the day I wipe him out of my life. I imagine he’ll be relieved.
As for me, well, I know one day I’ll be past all of it. You think you will hurt forever. You don’t. It just seems like it. Even though I know that, I wonder if I’ll ever be happy again.